Motherhood 5 years ago

Pregnancy Diary: The First Few Months

To be honest, I literally felt like my worst self during these last few months.

First off, I had no idea I was pregnant until month 3…which meant that all throughout New York, Milan, and Paris Fashion Week, I was pregnant and had no idea! Looking back, it actually explains a lot.

One day, I was so sick that I had to cancel a full day of meetings, shoots, and shows. I was non-stop vomiting and I honestly thought I had some kind of food poisoning! Later that evening, I got my hair and makeup done by Tom Ford and was even dressed by them for their show, but by the time we are all done with the glam process, I went to go vomit one more time and ended up falling asleep on the floor because I felt so sick.

Needless to say, I did NOT make it to the show because of what I thought was food poisoning… right. As I was traveling nonstop that month to New York, Milan, and Paris, it was an extremely difficult time for me. Although I didn’t show it through social media, I was insanely tired, lethargic, nauseous, and just off ALL DAY LONG.

I even remember falling asleep between shows only to frantically wake up to walk into them feeling so sh*tty and groggy. I was ALWAYS soooooo hungry as I would feel extremely nauseous anytime my stomach was empty, but get nauseous again if I ate too much! It was so twisted!

When I was in Milan, I was eating sooooo much pasta and having some crazy cravings. That’s when I first thought to myself: “Omg what if I’m pregnant?!” It was a really sh*tty feeling because at least if I knew I was pregnant, I would have known why I was feeling the way I was feeling… but because I didn’t know- I just assumed that I was “homesick” or was just feeling “over fashion week.” I started feeling really depressed during this time because I didn’t feel like myself, I wasn’t motivated to do anything and I had no idea WHY.

Once I got back home from Paris, I decided to take a pregnancy test and low and behold… I was pregnant! It was the strangest feeling of being simultaneously relieved, excited, and so scared. I immediately told Allen and of course, we decided to restrain ourselves from getting too excited as we’ve experienced too many let downs of miscarriages in the past. We decided to keep this from everyone including our immediate family until we passed the first trimester/3-month mark as we didn’t want to go through the emotional turmoil of another possible miscarriage.

During this time of secrecy, I became so paranoid and full of anxiety. I guess you can say I was experiencing some type of “PTSD” from my previous miscarriages. I completely stopped doing things that I found so much pleasure in due to my paranoia. I completely stopped working out, stopped taking care of myself physically and mentally, and even stopped eating healthy! I just let it all go! I was eating anything and everything in sight because I was paranoid that if I wasn’t constantly eating, I was not feeding my baby enough food. In my twisted head, I somehow figured that “more food = healthier baby,” but that’s not true at all! My habits actually made me feel the opposite: lethargic and unhealthy.

I stopped working out because the first time I got pregnant (before Chloe) I ran a half marathon and soon after that I had a miscarriage so I 100% blamed myself for running a marathon during my pregnancy (even though I did not know I was pregnant then and had no control over that). So naturally, I associated “being active while pregnant” with miscarriages and I stopped caring about my outer appearance because I was just so consumed with doing “nothing” for the protection of this new baby of mine I’m carrying. I know it sounds so twisted, but those of you that have gone through a miscarriage know how this feels. I felt so conflicted as there was so much joy with news of being pregnant again coupled with fear. I found myself just lying in bed not wanting to move or just wishing that the day would pass me by.

On top of that, I found out my mom had breast cancer during this time. It was a very emotional time for me and I just wanted to be left alone by everyone. We decided to cancel all travel plans for work as I was not at my best and I really just needed some time off. Allen really stepped up during this time and helped me out emotionally and also physically by taking care of Chloe for me.

After the 4-month mark, I decided to tell my team as it was getting quite hard to hide the pregnancy from them. Their joy and excitement got me equally as excited and I guess that was the start of the turning point. I started to gain my confidence back and not feel as paranoid. I started to work out again and started feeling GOOD on the inside. I remember walking into my pilates class and seeing three other VERY pregnant women and thinking to myself “if they can do it, so can I!” Slowly but surely, I was getting back to my normal self. My energy level was finally coming back and I felt better about taking on more projects. Looking back, I actually started to LOVE work again as I was able to use my brain and feel useful again!

It is true that the first trimester for some women is sooooo brutal! I didn’t experience this with Chloe as I had a pretty easy pregnancy with her, but I guess every baby is different. I’m just so glad that the first trimester is over and that I’m halfway through my second trimester and really feeling like myself again! No nausea, no morning sickness, and I started working out again and feeling good from the inside out.

I hope this post doesn’t scare you guys as I really wanted to share the non-filtered side of my pregnancy. I told myself that with this pregnancy, I want to normalize all the things you don’t see on social media. From miscarriages to the troubles of pregnancy, etc. Along with that, I wanted to share with you guys these private photos I had on my camera roll that I took to document my pregnancy – even on the days I felt the worst.

Just remember; we all have our good days and we all have our bad days. If you’re going through a hard time right now (especially if you’re pregnant), nothing is forever and things will turn back around soon. Trust me.